Pro Ana. Pro Beauty

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Mama Drama

      I went over to my moms today to hang out for a little bit. I was starting to get bored, and we all know what happens when this occurs, at least to me it does. I begin to think about eating so I raid the cabinets until I settle for something small and not needed then plunge myself into a whirling depression for the rest of the day. But NOT today. Today I used the distraction method. I had on a pair of jeans I haven't been able to fit into for a few months (go me!!) and my mom noticed I'm starting to lose some weight (again, go me!). For my mom to notice this isn't a good thing. She's the pushy, stick her nose in every one's business type. Her exact words were... "Honey you look tiny.. You're not starving yourself again are you? I worry about you so much." Blah. I hate that crap. LEAVE ME ALONE. If you're going to compliment me then do it. But don't tack of the "I'm worried about you" speech. I don't want to hear it. At all.

       Might I add that my mom is a good 80 pounds over weight! Every time I get smaller she freaks out. Jealous much mom? I think so. I refuse to be like her. I'm going to wear bikinis when I'm 30 because I'm going to be skinny. I'm not going to turn into her. It's disgusting! I'm so irritated right now.

      I also can't sleep because I took way to many diet pills today. I even worked out for an extra hour and I'm still not tired. I hate when I do that. I like my sleep. Hopefully I'll be able to get in a couple of hours before everything I have to do tomorrow.. Well I guess today since it's past midnight.

THINGS I NEED TO GET DONE TODAY:

1.) Get prenatal vitamins and fiber supplements. Also more laxatives (TMI, I know)
2.) Do all the laundry and scrub the bathrooms completely spotless.
3.) Go to the gym for at least 2 hours
4.) Get an ipod cord
5.) Go visit the grandparents
6.) Organize my closet and make room for new skinny clothes

Stressed =/

     Today has been so stressful. Nothing crazy has happened to even make it this way. I just let everything pile up inside of me until I feel like I'm going to scream bloody murder. I laid in my hallway and cried for over an hour. I didn't just pick the hallway because it seemed like a good place to cry. No. I was walking and just collapsed in the floor and had a mental breakdown. I do this every once in awhile. Today has been particularly bad though. Everything is closing in on me. At least it feels that way. I even broke down and had soup today. 200cal. I felt so guilty and ashamed. I still can't believe I did that. Now I feel fatfatfatfat! I will not eat for the rest of the day or tomorrow. I will be strong and not cave. I will be skinny and pretty. Writing seems to help me so much mentally though. I don't know how I've made it this long without writing. I've always written everything down in a notebook. But never a blog. It helps tremendously. I hope everyone if anyone who reads this is having a fantastic day! Keep your head up and stay beautiful :)

Love Brittany

Friday, September 9, 2011

Snap Snap SNAP

    That's what I've heard/felt all day long. My little rubber band friend that keeps me in check when I'm on the verge of eating. I don't even take this damn thing off to shower. I have a feeling I'll be going to walmart tomorrow to buy some colorful ones. Might as well make a fashion statement right? I've done awesome today though.

Breakfast: Black coffee, no sugar or anything added
Lunch: NOTHING
Dinner: Black coffee, again nothing added and a diet coke.. Not together, DUH.

   So I'm pretty proud right now. Just have to keep this up. And I will. One of the benefits of living by myself (aside from my 3 year old.) is not having to make an excuse for why you're skipping dinner. I used to hate doing that in high school. Parents are not exactly happy about their children skipping meals. It's going to be much harder when my boyfriend gets back in the states though. He knows how I am. He always watches me and makes sure I'm eating. It's annoying as fuck, but I know he just trys to do what he thinks is best. He loves me. But I wish he would realize, I'm a big girl. I don't need someone to tell me to eat. I just want to be skinny and beautiful and eating all day is not going to get me there. If I want to take diet pills and not eat for days that's my choice. No one elses. Especially when you see your guy check out a girl who is a good 20 pounds lighter then you but then try to tell you you're perfect the way you are. Actions really do speak louder then words.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

133.4 NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

AGE:20                                       
HT:5'4"                                        
HW:147                                       
LW:113                                        
CW:133.4
UGW:98

GW1:125
GW2:120
GW3:115
GW4:110
GW5:105
                                     



        Does anyone know where I can get a magic fairy to come wave her little wand and get me to my 98 over night?... Shit... Me either! I'm so impatient. I had a great fast day yesterday. I wasn't cranky like I usually get. In fact I felt clear minded and peaceful. I welcomed the hunger pains. I enjoyed it and felt so accomplished when I went to bed completely empty. But then today I feel like I went and blew that out the window. I had a grand total of 1184 cal. I feel SO GROSS. I didn't even purge today. I didn't really have the chance to. I can't bring myself to do it when my daughter is awake. I'm not sure why that is. Oh well fucking damage is done now. So starting tomorrow I'm going on a 3 day fast to give myself a kick in the ass that I desperately need at this point.
Wish me luck! :)